NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
You Might Also Like
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
(Musicians.)
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”