A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
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detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
What’s so funny?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup