Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
yes… yes…
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Pickled cat.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap