okay run it by me one more time
You Might Also Like
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.