If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
so i’m at the stock market right
Nice try Hitler
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.