[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
You Might Also Like
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.