Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
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Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.