[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
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I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Do not steal food from the science building!
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…