I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
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me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one