[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
You Might Also Like
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no