So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
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Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”