You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
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I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Poetry is my passion
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.