Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
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All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
peeping toms
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids