Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
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Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
my nickname in college
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Come back with a warrant
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I’m giving up ice.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.