(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
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“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I already tried new things thanks.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.