Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
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I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Legend 🤣🤣