Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
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My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth