umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
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I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
be careful
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut