If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Festive toon…
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate