I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
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At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Ain’t no way
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Thrilling chase underway
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I hope they boil the right one.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Meow?
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why