[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
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I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
This is a sub tweet
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it