They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
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I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET