I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
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My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button