“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
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There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.