Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
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my mom making me talk to relatives
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.