Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
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Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess