me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
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Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.