Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
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Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
He just like my cat fr
Life with a cat in one tweet
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Made something I’m not proud of
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Now, where’s the sport in that?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol