Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
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So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.