My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
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Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Swedish for common sense.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.