The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
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Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro