When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
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My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Lmao
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
the Monday after daylight savings
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice