I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
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Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now