Mice are just frozen Mwater.
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Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.