Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
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Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Canadian owl: Eh?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.