why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
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Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Ghost costume 😂
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…