It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
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Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣