If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
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Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.