“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.