It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
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Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Stick it to the man
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants