It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this