my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
You Might Also Like
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?