God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
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Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
This is a bad sign
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?