Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
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AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
My last name is Zilla.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]