all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
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*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one