I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
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Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.