Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
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[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
OH. COME. ON.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.