Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
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{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business