Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
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I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
moms in horror movies
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma