This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
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“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Canada has crack?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”